I am a ghost. I feel dead now, and I can't remember a time when I felt alive. I remember the girls, but it doesn't seem like the memories are mine. My thoughts drift, but not like cotton in a gentle breeze; rather like a moth in a hurricane. With my mind spinning from one reality to a memory or even a fantasy, pretty soon all realities blend into one and nothing makes any sense. To live, to kill, to die, to hurt, to be hurt, pian, pleasure, sanity, insanity, forward, backward ---> life = death; no reality.
A person may be thought to have a mind, a consciousness that makes decisions based on truth, fact, previous experience. But when a mind confuses everything from nothing it loses all sense of boundaries and many contradictory thoughts take place in the blink of an eye, how can I know which one is me, the real me, if there is such a thing. 'Go faster, slower, watch out for others, take care of yourself, be careful, be reckless, do what's right, help him, don't help him, go here - no there, don't waste your life, kill yourself.' All in the time it takes for the firing pin to land firmly on the primer, and before you know it the bullet has exited your head and your brains are on the wall, a whole life gone in the blink of an eye.
In this world we are told that we have few boundaries, if you can think it, it's possible. Why do they teach us to think for ourselves, then throw us into a world where sanity and survival go hand in hand, unfortunately conformity in this equation is equal to the square of sanity i.e. 0 conform = 0 sane. And if we don't conform then there must be something wrong with us, send them to a shrink, a psyciatristic psycologistic medicine man who prescribes the same placebo, sending you back into the world 'TRY AGAIN'.
You can't help me. No-one can.
It is said that a problem must be identified before it can be fixed, and even then it is up to the individual, no-one can save someone else for them. And in my case - I don't know the problem, I've tried many things to fix it, I don't want help, I don't believe my problem can be fixed, I don't believe anyone can help me or change me; bottom line ---> I don't believe anymore. And the only reason I have lived even this long I 100% attribute to my indecision, that is I can't focus on suicide long enough to follow through, too many other thoughts like 'kill someone else instead' pull me up short of putting my head in the noose. You ask me how often I feel suicidal but what does this mean, I don't know, I mean, subconsciously I could be suicidal all the time. Like I said I can't usually hold an emotion long enough to do anything with it, so if you want it in terms of hours or minutes a day, I can't say, however I can say that death would be at least 50% of my overall pondering or emotion or brain activity - and of that more than half would be my own, death that is.
When I'm alone I dream and play out fantasies of emotional worth, my favourite emotion would be sadness. A typical scenario would see my dream woman gunned down followed by the revenge slaying of the killer. The second most typical is where I get gunned down and die in dream womans arms. I think the main thing here is that in my mind, no-one lives happily ever ('after' deliberately left out) especially not me.
I guess I never get anywhere lately, 'cause in my own mind, I've already died a million times and lost my dream love and countless friends many times. (It is important here to recall that all thoughts and reality have blended into one. Thus I and my friends are not only dead in my mind, but to me, in reality aswell.) Pretty fucked up huh! My sanity isn't under any question here, it should be reasonably clear I don't walk the walk, I fly.
When I wake up each day I have to justify my existance. When I think back to previous 'attempts' so called, I think if I had followed through would anyone have lost anything, I mean I think of the time between the attempt and now, and I honestly can't justify it. I can't say anyone is better off that I've been here. And no matter how many times anyone tells me I'm wrong about this, I won't believe them, so stop wasting your breath, I can't be helped. I stop writing here 'cause once again my thought plane has taken a turn.
Draw no conclusions from this, simply because in an hour I'll most likely think that this is bullshit, certainly by the time anyone reads it. Also this isn't how I feel all the time but I guess pretty often, although if asked I'll most probably deny everything.